What If? Why We Get Stuck Thinking About the Life We Didn’t Choose.

I was recently interviewed by journalist Moya Crockett for Stylist magazine for a fascinating article exploring the psychological pull of “the road not taken.” From careers and relationships to life-altering decisions we made – or didn’t – many of us have wondered what life could have looked like if we’d chosen differently.

This tendency is known as counterfactual thinking, and it’s both deeply human and often deeply painful. While it can help us learn and grow, it can also trap us in cycles of self-blame, frustration, or grief over an imagined life that never was.

As a psychodynamic psychotherapist, I often work with clients who find themselves haunted by thoughts like “If only I’d stayed,” “What if I’d left sooner?” or “I should never have done that.” These aren’t idle musings. They can reveal real losses – of a hoped-for future, a version of the self, or a sense of identity.

Often, these thoughts are rooted in unresolved grief or trauma. When something important hasn’t been fully mourned or understood, the mind returns to it again and again, searching for a different outcome. Sometimes it’s a way of staying close to what was lost. Other times, it can be a defence against accepting that something is over – a relationship, a dream, a version of life that felt safer or more certain.

We may also find ourselves stuck in “what ifs” because our present feels unsatisfying or uncertain. Counterfactual thoughts can signal a deeper unhappiness with how things are. Rather than simply trying to quiet these thoughts, therapy invites curiosity. What are they pointing to? What needs attention now?

Getting stuck in regret can stop us from living fully in the present. But it can also be a doorway into understanding ourselves more deeply. Therapy offers a space to explore these inner conflicts with compassion and honesty – and to begin imagining not a parallel life, but a more grounded, meaningful one in the here and now.

You can read the full Stylist article here.  If this resonates with you, and you’d like to talk more about your own ‘parallel life,’ if it stops you from living the life you want to now, get in touch via our contact form.

Alison